There are two types of humans in this world, those who desire intimate, healthy and sustainable relationships and people who get stuff done. If you’ve ever experienced any sort of relationship whether it be family, friends and rarely a romantic one, you’ve probably realized how much time they consume out of your life. With the dreadful approach of Valentine’s day, these useless relationships are exacerbated and hundreds of hearts on campus are bound to be broken. To avoid having your heart broken during this holiday, we must eliminate our hearts, avoiding love altogether. Here is a lesson on how NOT to find love.
1: Say brain rot:
The Oxford dictionary’s word of 2024 was ‘brain rot’ and for good reason, consuming hyperstimulation short form content is effective at overwhelming a person’s mind and is mad annoying. Employing this method will allow you to sound alien to every person and you might as well be speaking unintelligible, which Kaiden Vo is able to reaffirm.
“I’ve consumed so much internet media off Instagram reels that it’s diluted my quality of conversation with other regular people,” said Vo.
Phrases like ‘sigma,’ ‘skibidi,’ ‘low taper fade,’ ‘the packet bro,’ ‘those who know,’ ‘I’ve played these games before,’ ‘op’ and ‘chopped chin,’ are all very effective ways of repelling humans, like mosquitoes to bug spray. People around you won’t understand what you’re saying because you won’t be able to understand yourself. Now that we’ve lost all of our aura from the brain-rot, we can now cultivate ourselves with other like-minded individuals who also resent love.
“Personally for me, I’m just as most would call a sigma male, which renders me a lone wolf,” said Vo.
2: Degenerate hygiene and care:
Especially if you’re involved in sports or physically enduring activities, using deodorant as a substitute instead of showers is a sure fire way to convert anyone previously into you, into your number one op or D1 hater. Even better would be to forget using deodorant entirely at that stage. Lacking the bare minimum of personal hygiene can also be beneficial for this cause.
The altruistic non-profit club at Woodbridge high school called GrowLuv, has the purpose of spreading love through empowerment and education against depression. One of their key principles is self care and by applying these principles in reverse, it can further better our understanding of proactively avoiding love according to Kaitlyn Pham, the president of GrowLuv Club.
“Self-care is really important in your relationship because if you don’t care for yourself, then you become dependent on the relationship,” said Pham. “That’s why you need to take care of yourself, your hygiene [and] spend time doing hobbies.”
By having little care for yourself, you show a complete lack of motivation and in a way become undesirable due to not having any personal investment or commitment to a long-term relationship.
3: Lack of basic communication:
It cannot be stressed enough by GrowLuv how vital proper communication is to a healthy relationship. But in the digital era for teenagers online, ghosting has become a major issue and something we will need to do often to prevent potential partners. Leaving someone after a texting session on read is not only diabolically cruel but insufferable. Showing that you lack the will to communicate a short meaningful message.
“You could ghost them until they stop loving you. I feel as [though] a lot of people don’t like it when…in a relationship someone doesn’t offer you anything back or when you feel as if you’re the only one [who] cares,” said Pham.
Using an absurd amount of abbreviations combined with low effort and periodic responses through online messaging, can also convey the sense of a one sided conversation. Here’s a good example for you:
“Hello! I think we should go out because it’s valentines day!”
“Rn? ok.”
“Would you like to go to the movies?”
“mb, btw I gtg, ASAP”
“Are you serious!?!”
“fr.”
“I think there’s something wrong with you.”
“Omg, Lmao💀”
Clearly one person in the conversation is putting a lot more effort in each message, meanwhile the other responder lacks proper capitalization and punctuation. Something we are going to need to take into each interaction in order to be successful.
This in conjunction with brain rot is a powerful tool to help us elevate our public speaking skills to that of toddlers gaining us zero rizz, allowing communication to be impossible as the correspondent will be too busy trying to translate the message like its morse code.
4: Parasitism:
1 final tip in order to survive valentine’s day is to act like a parasite in your relationships. A common example of parasitism in nature would be how mosquitoes draw blood from humans and in return the human is left with an itchy blister that lasts a few days or at worse they contract malaria. This is a metaphor, please don’t draw blood from your partners or give them malaria, however just like how the mosquito doesn’t give anything beneficial back in return you should as well.
The key to not finding love is showing little connection in return and thus other people will be less likely to fall for you as they feel the relationship is unequal. Simply offering nothing in return directly informs the other individual that you are worthless and leads to the blissful peace of your loneliness.
With these four wonderful methods on how NOT to find love, you will be fully prepared for the judgement that is Valentine’s Day and fear not as being heartbroken is a path you’ll never be alone in. Join GrowLuv Club if you’re struggling with these hardships or want to help others who are. High school is a difficult experience for everyone and hopefully this article brought a little bit of light to your life, just like the fish we are swimming along the bottom of the ocean. Especially during a naturally disappointing holiday such as Valentine’s Day to so many people.
Whether you get a valentine or not, ultimately being yourself is more important regardless of finding love.
