When people see me taking notes in a color-coded fashion or scheduling my day in my mini “life” planner, they automatically react with, “You’re OCD though…” or some other similar statement. And after years of going through denial that what I have is not OCD, here I am publicly sharing one of my possibly biggest problems.

In my mind, everything has a structure. Events, assignments, routines – everything – is organized and planned out the way I expect. It puts me at ease when I visualize in pairs, which is why, although I don’t know psychologically why, I favor even numbers. When something seems off, and I sense imperfection, my mind boggles with anxiety, and I have to commit extra time to understand what could have made it better.

In that way, everything I do has to be… perfect. Or rather close to perfect, since I know perfection doesn’t exist. It is not that I refuse to accept failure; I believe failure is important if it inevitably stemmed from the hardest of efforts. Basically, I just need to know that my product is a result of the best potential I could invest into that product. Even if it is the most pointless, lame assignment ever, there is a reassurement button in me that is pressed when I can say to myself, “Hey, at least I tried.”

Someone once told me: “If you need everything you do to be perfect, not everything will be perfect.” It took me some time to process it, and I can at least grasp it now – the things in life that matter most demand the most attention, because there are only so many hours in the day to make my sweat and tears of effort shine.

So, I am really trying to change. I don’t want this column to be a typical “I have a new year’s resolution that I would like to share with you” kind of thing. It’s a change that won’t miraculously happen in a matter of a year. It may take years. But I want to start with some inspiration from Nike. Instead of planning and spending hours figuring out what I have to get done for the day, I’m just going to do it. Just do it. And I’ll welcome whatever spontaneous adventure comes along.

Reste toi-meme,

Michelle Kang